Having a better and more confident marriage with Ryan Kluttz

Having-a-better-and-more-confident-marriage-with-Ryan-Kluttz

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and welcome to women in confidence with me, Vanessa Murphy, HR expert confidence, K, and now podcaster. This podcast discusses all things to do with confidence in life and in work. And this is a podcast for women who want to learn what confidence is, how to obtain it and how to maintain it and learn how confidence can help you grow and flourish.

Every week. I introduce you to amazing women who have interesting stories to tell about confidence through their stories, insights, hints, and tips. You realize that lack of self-belief or low self-esteem is common and also very human, but by listening to them, you'll take away what they have done to show up confidently on the inside as well as on the outside.

Hello, and welcome to this week's episode of women in confidence. So picture this, you love your life with your spouse or your partner. You celebrate the small and the large moments you're creative in your relationship, and you are able to envision your future with ease and excitement. You want to love your life with your partner?

g that amazing pop back into [: 00:01:20

And that's through experience. She's learned the hard way and how to grow together and to treat each other. And she says in her own words, it was not easy, but with some focus you can come out on the other side, even stronger and closer, Ryan. Hello and welcome to women in confidence. And thanks very much for being here.

How are you doing?

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great. Thank you so much for

having me. No, you're very welcome. And I'm absolutely delighted to have you on, do you tell everybody who's listening where you are in the world right now? Please be great.

I'm in Southern California and it's. Wonderful here, little chillier than normal today.

Still sunny.

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What does having confidence mean to

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Whereas if I am feeling fully confident, then I feel great about what I'm wearing. I feel great about what I might have to add to a conversation in any given situation. I just get to be myself without worrying about what anyone else around me is thinking about that.

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[00:03:11] Ryan: Oh God.

No, absolutely not. No, I struggled with that for most of my life, actually. Yeah. I just, I had very low confidence as a teenager, especially, I'm tall, I'm almost six feet tall. I just have a lot of things that make me different and also. When you're in high school, those things make you stand out and not a great way.

ch translates into a lack of [: 00:04:00

[00:04:04] Vanessa: And just going back to being tall. Cause I have a very tall family. I'm a little shorty, but I have like really tall kids. My husband's six, four. Do you celebrate your tallness now?

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Yeah, I love it. I totally love it now. And I actually did enjoy it back then, but because I got teased, it made me think that there was something wrong with that. So it was there's complex. I had about I think it's cool to be tall, but no one else seems to think that, so what am I missing?

That's that's how I felt about

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[00:04:59] Ryan: I definitely, I don't want to. Go in a room and just start being confrontational and making people angry.

o. I feel like I can just be [: 00:05:20

[00:05:22] Vanessa: And what changed that? So go growing up, what changed so that you don't feel the need now to fit in.

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Help other people do the same thing because it just made such a huge difference in my life. I was constantly stressed out over, and so asked me to do this. And I said, yes, but I don't want to, or I feel uncomfortable in this social setting because it's awkward or I'm awkward, that kind of thing.

But as I got, as I started diving deeper into this work and learning how to really take care of. I just shifted out of that and started to set boundaries and realized that my desires are valid, just like everyone else's and I'm just as worthy as anyone else of getting the things that I want enjoying myself in the process.

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[00:06:46] Ryan: Yeah. I feel very connected to helping women because the work that I did on myself really applies to women. And it's not to say that a man couldn't use the same tactics, but I just feel like the stuff that I did would resonate a lot more with women.

And I also feel like we do have this special sort of power in our marriage that we Don. Use it fully. We use it to be able to get everything done that needs to be done, but we could be using it in a different way where we also get what we want too. And we don't feel burnt out by all of the tasks that need to be done.

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[00:07:25] Ryan: Actually, I help them a lot with confidence in themselves so that they can show up as who they really are in their marriage and get more of what they want in their marriage. We talk about things like. Communication. And we talk about forgiveness and trust and self care and all of these things combined to be able to help them.

or feels resentful or isn't [: 00:08:00

[00:08:12] Vanessa: So imagine and I'm speaking a little bit from myself here, cause I'm married.

So imagine many people go into a marriage. Knowing what they want, what happens so that they end up in a situation where that, that changes. And then they're like I don't really know what I want and I can't ask for what I want.

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Or a misunderstanding there that we allow those things to compile without realizing that's what's happening. But at the same time, we're somehow always brushing it off oh, that one thing didn't matter. But when you add it all up, it creates a chasm. Really. It goes from a crack to this giant hole because we've not been addressing things all along.

in love when we got married [: 00:09:20

And even though we read a book that said, it's not gonna be a fairytale, I didn't believe it. I just thought there's no way that we won't just be blissful for the rest of our. And then reality sets in and you get used to the other person in a way that you weren't used to them before. And you allow yourself to one, let your guard down a little bit, but also you put one up because you feel like they were mean to me the other day and that hurt my feeling.

So I'm never going to bring up that thing again, but you also become more, it, it's not just this, but it's that kind of thing where we don't really date each other anymore when we get married sometimes, or you're perfectly fine to. Walk around and sweatpants all day, one before you might have, tried to look nice.

And it's not that you have to try to look nice, but it's that sort of thing of you get so comfortable that you aren't always thinking about how you're showing

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[00:10:19] Ryan: Actually, I tailor my packages to what they need, but a lot of them need to start with selfcare because I actually did a life about this in my group last night.

ecause I got a pedicure in a [: 00:10:40

If you have these habitual thoughts of what you don't like and what you're not getting, the self care that I teach about is what's gonna help you remove those things or shift them so that your perspective changes and that your expectations change. That's a really big thing that I see a lot of women have where they'll tell me, I've asked him.

To do XYZ. And he says that he will, and then he doesn't and it's infuriating because we go through this cycle over and I can always see that their expectations are well, he's just, he's not gonna do it. And then I'm get mad and then we're go through this again. That's what they're thinking inside their head without realizing it.

We work on pinpointing those expectations and shifting them so that they can feel trusting. And that if I ask him to do something, he's gonna do it instead of feeling like how long is it gonna be before I get mad enough to just do it myself and

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And when you were having perhaps some challenges in your marriage and you went into yourself, what did you apply to yourself and how did you care for yourself? I

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If I want to, or go out and do something with a friend, if I want to. In our case was something that my husband always encouraged me to do. And I just felt like I couldn't do it. I would feel guilty when I left or I would always feel like there's not time because this one needs this thing. And this one needs that thing, which was also came back to me, not trusting him to be able to take care of it and, or, feeling if I leave, then I'm gonna come back to a disaster.

And I don't want that, which was not necessarily true, but it's just what was going on in my, my. And so that's everything piggybacked on myself. I was just meditating. I was letting myself go and do things that I thought were fun. I now I I get, I do get pedicures and manicures without feeling guilty, cuz I think.

certain times, and I'll give [: 00:13:20

Available at all times for requests, because I tell my girls, I'm a human too, and I have needs. And for me to be able to fulfill your needs, I have to fulfill mine. And so it just, in this season right now, meditation is really important for me. I spend a good, about a good amount of time in the morning doing some mindset work after they go to school and things definitely shift and change, but.

That's where I am right now is that I have some very simple things, but I do them daily because I. The impact that it has on me and my family. You said

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And why do you think that is what's going on there with the human brain? I suppose that says, I'm gonna tell a story. Even if it's not true,

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I think that a lot of times it's perpetuated by the things we see on TV or in movies or, in ads. There was an ad that I saw a few months ago where it [00:14:40] was like a public service announcement for parents to remember. Not to leave your kids in the car by accident by themselves. And what it showed was a dad frantically running to the car and frantically getting his daughter out of her car seat after having forgotten that she was in there.

And what he said was, oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. Mommy's usually the one that takes you to daycare. And I was just, it makes me so angry because it's telling you. Dads are dumb and they're irresponsible and they don't know how to take care of the children, but moms do. And that's really mom's job. Anyway I really get worked up about those commercials or like the ones where, a woman should be in a state of total bliss because her laundry smells good.

I just think that those kinds of messages and images are given to us so that when we. We either feel like, oh yeah, of course he's gonna leave the place a mess because I've seen a million movies where that's what the dad does when the mom tries to have some time to herself. Or of course, he's not gonna pick up what I asked him to pick up because he's an idiot.

. Think about it when we get [: 00:16:00

And their ideas come from, who knows where. It's all the stuff that gets thrown at us that we take in that we don't even realize that we're taking in. I think that's where most of it comes from

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Lovely. We're all beautiful people. And our marriage is just amazing, but there seems to be a real shift in that rec recently, like this is a marriage story, which is you. A horrible divorce, but there's also, there's lots of films I can think of, but I probably can't Rena, do you think that's, is that a shift?

Is that gonna help women to realize that marriage and relationships they're flipping hard

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And now we know how to. Move through life together as partners better than we ever have before. But I think, there's a movie, I think it's called blue Valentine [00:17:20] and I haven't actually seen it, but my husband was watching it. And he told me a little bit about it, where it's a story that jumps back and forth between their really happy past.

And they're just absolute, awful present. And I was like, oh, I don't wanna watch that. I. Because I don't wanna, I'm an empath. And so I take in things like in a really strong way. And if I watch a movie too late at night, all of my dreams will be about that movie. And that sort of thing. So I can see where we might not wanna look at it.

Because it's not fun to look at. I think though, the more stuff is portrayed in a realistic way. The easier it will be to look at. But I think right now, because we're at the beginning stages of it, it's almost like triggering to be shown. We know what it's actually and we're gonna show that to you.

And now you it's in your face and you have to deal with it. Whereas before I think those kind of movies. About couples in the perfect relationship and a perfect life were an escape from our non-perfect lives. And we just didn't realize that while we were watching these perfect people on TV, that we were having these ideas in our head about what we should be having or what our and we have a tendency to always blame our spouse.

and act like that. Why can't [: 00:18:40

I just don't think we're fully there yet where we're ready to see the, that much realness. And so with women

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Not just about their self care, but about how do they then take what they've learned to their partner.

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That's the most annoying thing or whatever it is when we start to catch ourselves. And we think, oh, actually, don't wanna be thinking that thought. And there's even this also this societal norm about we are at war with each other and we're on the same team. So if you. Really aware of the fact that you're on the same team.

Would you be thinking those [: 00:20:00

We're allowed to have our own thoughts. We don't have to pick up the thoughts from those TV shows and those movies. And we don't have to compare ourselves to the characters that we see either. So it's really just about shifting how we look at things. And being aware of what we're thinking and not necessarily at every single moment, cause I don't think that's possible, but just becoming more aware more often is really important.

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Might almost cause further

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There could. Multitude of reasons they might feel triggered in some way, they might feel like they're gonna let get left behind. We might feel fearful of too much change too fast. And so what I tell people is to just be really gentle with yourself and your spouse as you go through that part. And it's there's a I don't know if it's a quote from something else, but it's in the movie, Batman or he says the night is darkest before the Dawn.

And so what ends up happening is when you try to do this work on your own, and you're determined to make these shifts and you wanna show up better, then you start to do the work and then you. Some pushback from your spouse and your subconscious goes we don't want any more of that. So let's go back to what we were doing, even though we hated that all you have to do is have someone to walk you through that hard part so that you can get to the other side.

out and don't make any, big [: 00:22:40

And so we go back to how we were, because that felt less painful. And.

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And then we'll come onto my second

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We're not arguing. We don't really, we've never really been the type of couple that fights or yells, but even just simple arguments, some used to be extremely uncomfortable for me. Or, I mentioned before someone would ask me to do something and I would say, yes, resentfully, cuz I felt I couldn't say no.

ccept you talking to me that [: 00:24:00

But my boundaries are mostly just me deciding I don't do this anymore. I allow myself to have this and that sort of thing. So they were really mostly internal boundaries that I didn't really have to discuss with anyone. It's just something that had to shift within me.

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How can you help or advise them to set boundaries in their own relationships where perhaps they haven't existed before?

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And I actually have a free boundaries worksheet on my website, and I can share the link with you on that, but it just walks you through just really simple steps on how to set, how to figure. What the boundary is and who to set it. Cause sometimes it's not our spouse. Sometimes it's our in-laws sometimes it's our kids.

e things where. When there's [: 00:25:20

[00:25:25] Vanessa: mentioned two things children for one thing and in-laws, but just talk about children because that is an upheaval in any relationship, it could be pleasant, upheaval.

It doesn't have to be negative, but it's a big upheaval and I've got two. So I know what it's like, how can some couples. Prepare for that. I know you can't prepare always for having a baby, cuz it's so crazy time. But as a relationship, there must be an ability to prepare for what you know is gonna change your life.

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And we went without that for such a long time. Not realizing that it was important. And also when our first daughter was born, I, I was home on maternity leave and my husband was still working. He got to have [00:26:40] off the couple of days that I was in the hospital. And then that was really it.

So I'm a big fan of paternity leave because I felt like I couldn't ask him for help in the middle of the night if he had to go to work the next day. And I didn't, and he never made me feel that way. It was a decision that I made. Without ever even talking to him about it. I can't ask for help because he has to work.

And I don't, I did all of the diaper changing in the middle of the night, stuff like that, because I just felt like I had to. And I think that's one of those things that we as moms get really angry and resentful over. But yet at the same time, we're perpetuating it. We're playing into that role of the person who does all of that work without kindly asking for what we need.

And I didn't even know at the time that I could ask for what I needed. So I think that's another thing too, is if someone had told me it's okay to ask for help. That was something that I also really had a hard time with in those early years was asking for help. I was really good at getting resentful, but I was really bad at asking for what I actually needed.

Are you perfectionist? I'm a recovering perfectionist. Yes.

tch myself. I actually allow [: 00:28:00

and I found these they're I guess they're called lazy Susans over here. I don't know what you, they're just, they it's a little like spiny thing that spins. Yeah. And I found these things at the store. And I just happened to be able to fit three on one shelf, perfectly that if any, if they were any bigger or any smaller, it wouldn't have worked.

And so that's where I can allow my perfection to shine, cuz I was like, I didn't even measure, I just eyeballed it. And I got it right on the nose that these were the exact fit and everything fits exactly how it should. And I have another one for our spices and they're all in alphabetical order, so that's where I can allow.

very aware of if I might not [: 00:29:20

With something that he's saying or doing, but that doesn't mean that I have to correct him because neither one of us is right or wrong. It's just a difference of opinion. It took me a really long time to fully grasp that. I'm not the one who's always right. Which by default makes him wrong. It's just that we both have ways of thinking and feeling about things.

And

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[00:29:48] Ryan: we just let each other be, sometimes we really do come to the end of a conversation saying, we'll have to agree to disagree on this. And that's okay because none of it's never a life and death situation.

And I have really come to embrace the differences between me as a mother and him as a father, to where I used to think that certain things that he would tell them. Or ways that you discipline that hit them. I would just view as wrong because that's not what I would've done, but now I see it more as we balance each other out, because sometimes I can be too hard on the kids and then he becomes the soft one that they can land on.

g, It creates resentment and [: 00:30:40

Or, and once in a while we make jokes and things and I'm like, okay, that's, maybe too much for their little ears to hear or something like that. But most of the time it's done more of in a playful way than me being. Trying to be his mother,

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First?

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[00:31:30] Vanessa: When we last spoke, which was we realized is in January, you said to me, It's not selfish to be alone. I dunno whether you remember saying that and actually by being selfish in a way let's call it that actually that has helped or can help relationships.

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Yeah, I think there's almost like two kinds of selfishness now. I think, when you're selfish in a way that you're just saying, I need some time for me then. I think that's great. And I think it's very needed, especially if you're an [00:32:00] introvert. My husband and I are both introverts. And so there will be some evenings where we don't have a conversation.

We are just doing our own thing in separate spaces, but it's not awkward. It's just that's our wind down time. And, we would've just gotten the girls to bed and then other nights we're watching a movie together. So our talking and there was a time where I felt like. If we weren't doing something together, if we were in, if we were at home together, but not talking to each other and each doing our own thing, I thought that there was something wrong with that.

I thought we should always be talking or we should always be doing something together. And if we're not, there's a problem, but I didn't realize that's something that I actually needed was the space to just be sometimes. And then I think the other side of selfishness, which is what people really associate that word with is just, I'm all about me.

No matter how it affects you. And I think wanting your own alone time is totally different or, wanting to take care of yourself. This is part of the upheaval. Actually, it can seem selfish to your spouse or partner at first, when you start to take care of yourself if you never have, but they will learn over time that it's not the selfishness that we associate with.

ve all of myself to everyone [: 00:33:20

[00:33:29] Vanessa: find you, Ryan? They've been listening and think, yep. She's the person I need to speak to.

how can they find

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And that is married and manifesting.group. And my website is married and manifesting.com.

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It's just been amazing and you've shared lots and particularly what I've taken away from it is that in any relationship, self care and loving yourself and really knowing yourself is probably the foundation for a good relationship. So thank you very much for your time.

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This was so fun.

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That's contact@vanessa-murphy.com until next time.