Confidently get your sexy back with Kim Coffin

Women In Confidence with Kim Coffin

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Every week. I introduce you to amazing women who have interesting stories to tell about confidence through their stories, insights, hints, and tips. You realize that a lack of self-belief or low self-esteem is common and also very human, but by listening to them, you'll take away what they have done to show up confidently on the inside as well as on the outside.

ests this week, I'm going to [: 00:01:00

Also thank you to my guests to have all been through. And I'm going to highlight my season three guests on all my social media channels. If you're new to women in competence, then welcome, lovely to have you here. And I have plenty for you to listen to. And if you do find an episode that you like, please rate it, review it, and then also share widely with your networks.

There won't be an episode next week, I'm taking the tiniest of breaks in between seasons, but I'm going to be back soon and I will have some great guests lined up for you for season four. So onto this. This week I'm joined by Kim coffin. Kim is a trauma informed somatic sex, love and relationship coach, as well as an empowerment and sexuality coach tantric sex coach, and founder of get your sexy back, Kim.

Hello and welcome to women in confidence. How are you doing today?

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[00:02:02] Vanessa: start by telling everybody where you are in the world, because what I think is really interesting about podcasting generally is you can, your voice can enter. All over the world. So let's start with where you are

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Yes. That part is so cool. It's technology. So I am in Waterloo, Ontario, Canada. So about 45 minutes west of Toronto, for those who haven't heard of Kitchener, Waterloo or nowhere, blackberries, the old phones came from. That's where it came from.

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And I'm now on Friday morning over here. So she's probably talking into a gin and tonic and I'm drinking coffee. We're like completely opposite and she's Northern hemisphere. So she's going into spring and I'm Southern hemisphere. So we're now actually heading into winter. So I just love that whole picture of what's going on in the world and how we have this powerful tool called the internet.

And we can do this kind of recording, which is amazing

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[00:03:01] Vanessa: cool. Let's get on talking about women confidence, et cetera. Kim, when I, when we talk about confidence, what does having confidence mean to

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There's so much. In our lives that we need confidence for, we need to feel good. We need to feel grounded. We need to feel turned on and filled up so that we can go do these things.

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[00:03:53] Kim: So for me, it's a little different because I've been working a long time. What I do, which is all [00:04:00] ultimately creating confidence. So for me, it is about going into my body, learning how to trust my body. What does my body want? What does my body not want? By doing that, my confidence shows up. Does that answer that question a little bit?

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[00:04:25] Kim: Good. Good question. Because I am not in my head anymore. I celebrate, I am not in my head anymore. And that's used to notice that I'm a walking, talking head sometimes or walking, talking chest and up like little, mannequin.

lled us out to read in third [: 00:05:00

Like everything. If we took that on as Ooh, that was scary and that wasn't safe, like everything lives in the body. So for me, it is totally coming into the body. It is. Working with all those pieces that are, conditioning and fears and all of that, so that we can go show up confidently so that we can follow our truth so that we can follow our desires and really listen to our body.

How can

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[00:05:32] Kim: Yeah. So there's like layers. That's the best way to describe it. It's not like you take six years to get in. Like you can get in immediately in 20, 30 seconds.

exuality, our sensuality for [: 00:06:00

And when we're born, when we're little kids, little girls, little boys, little humans running around, we are in our bodies. We are connected. We are like, yes, and jumping and twirling and digging and playing. And we're in there. But. All of this conditioning really, really layers on. And we learn very quickly, very young that, that wasn't safe and that wasn't good and that I got in trouble for.

And okay. And we literally disconnect. We were so confused very, very quickly with all of these rules of how good girls and good boys and all of this stuff should be that. Literally disconnect because it's too painful. It's too confusing. It's too painful. We're supposed to be like smart and do this.

And there's so much, I don't even know when it all happens. It can happen a little bit at different times for different people, but we get in our head. We get in our heads. We start thinking forward, we're not present. We're not grounded. So it happens. And maybe a little bit of space between when it happens.

But for [: 00:07:00

[00:07:06] Vanessa: talk about you're no longer in your head. How'd, that.

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I can feel my root chakra or pussy, depending of where listening to what I'm talking about. Activate. I can feel my solar plexus. I can feel my sensations. I can notice what's going on in my body. And I could tell you, if you ask the question, do you want like a pear or a banana? I would get a response.

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[00:07:44] Kim: It's learning how to listen. And some people feel it and find it in a sensation and a tingle and whatever that may be. Some people feel it as like a whisper or hear it as a whisper. And some people just have this heaviness of no, or everybody's a little bit [00:08:00] different. And in the beginning, when I started playing with us, I remember even if I was.

Getting there's different ways of turn on. When I talk about turn on there's like juice and turned on for life and then there's central sexual turn on. There's both. But in the beginning, when I started to feel it more tingling and turn on in the central sexual way, I was like, Oh, that's not allowed here.

I'm in a room full of women, put that away, like talk about shame and conditioning. And I was actually feeling shameful for even feeling some turn on when I was hanging out with other women. That was really, really interesting. However, that is our connection to source. That is our connection to our pelvic bowl, to our inner wisdom, to our intuition.

practicing with it, it gets [: 00:09:00

[00:09:03] Vanessa: And the practice thing is important.

But when you say listen to your body, I suppose to me, and certainly from my experience listening requires time. It perhaps requires the space and perhaps in silence for some. Is it, is that true? Does listening to your body require a lot of effort and does it require space and time and all those sorts of things?

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And because I'm used to feeling my sensations, I'd be like, Hmm, that doesn't work for me. Some people might call it their intuition or their gut, but we've also been trained out of listening to that. Right [00:10:00] now you can't trust that. Can't trust that. So it's just reconnecting back to all of this that we already are and learning to listen to it, but we all have it.

We all have it.

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I'm going to turn my antenna a lot more and make it bigger and stronger. Yeah.

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What I also noticed was my brain was like thinking what I was going to say next, how is this gonna work? It was spiraling like a thousand million miles a minute. And we can't be present in, in [00:11:00] our body and inner sensations when we're, when we are doing that. And a lot of that comes from just conditioning and trauma and so much other thing.

And we can talk about big teas or little T traumas. Like it doesn't have to be big things. It can be these ongoing constant little paper cuts that end up festering. And we second guess ourselves, we doubt ourselves. We don't know what to wear. We don't know if we should say this. And we're like, yay.

And it's, it's all about confidence, right? Because we're doubting and what is actually the opposite to what you think. It's not being smart to figure it out. It's slowing down, being present, coming home in our bodies and learning how to tune in and listen. And just be. And that's where the confidence comes

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And we're definitely going to come on to trauma, big T little T, but you've got some, a little nuggets around, you talked about pelvis, your posi. You talked about sensations and tingles and feeling tandem. So let's talk [00:12:00] about. Let's tell everybody what you do and your particular focus.

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So over my own journey of reclamation, literally I've transformed my, my own business. I've been an entrepreneur for over 25 years into being a sematic, very body-based trauma informed, super trauma, informed empowerment, and sexuality coach. I'm also a sex love and relationship. Female sexuality, coach tantric, sex coach, and founder of get your sexy back.

And I really specialize in empowerment and confidence in creating this trust and safety in our bodies and in our minds, pleasure, intimacy with ourselves and with relationships as well. Tantric sex, sacred sexuality, all of it, because it's all connected. So what I say I do technically like this caveat, a little rundown is I show singles and couples.

onnect to their body, how to [: 00:13:00

So we can come back into our bodies so we can step into our unapologetic power, our unapologetic, confidence, all of that, that deep, deep, inner knowing that no matter what we got and

what

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[00:13:31] Kim: It can come from any angles. I have people come and see me because they want to really Uplevel their business, but they know it starts with them, which is true.

It's in our businesses, our relationships and our bodies and our lives. Other people will come to me because they are feeling numb and disconnected and their sexuality and sensuality other people will become because it's relationships and they're just not connecting. The intimacy is not there. It really doesn't matter.

It's all connected. It's all [: 00:14:00

[00:14:09] Vanessa: Sexuality or sensuality, I think is probably more. What are, you would consider it, so that inner sense, reality, and that feeling of turning yourself on.

And I don't mean orgasm, but just feeling the excitement. Is that the first place or is that essential and the foundation before you can then be centrally attractive externally. Essentially,

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It all starts with us, but the more we do, the more we attract and the more we do, the more we glow and the more we do, the more we feel good. And the more we do weird, it doesn't [00:15:00] matter what happens in the world. Like we are good. We know we've got this. So it's definitely like a big snowball here in Canada.

Like you want to make a snowman, you start with that little wee one and you keep rolling and rolling and rolling. It's going to grow.

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Tell me

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And that was horrific and it was awful and I was numb and like totally. Frozen in the middle of the night and the next morning I figured out I was like, I'm going to tell my mother, that's what [00:16:00] we're supposed to do. And I did tell her, and that felt, yes, great. I've passed it on to her. She's going to figure it out now.

But within a few hours she didn't believe me anymore. And that was the end of that. So that was really never discussed. It was never talked about it was never handled. And so I was not only assaulted. I was then betrayed by my. Which was hard at the time. I didn't totally see it that way. I just put it down, stuffed it down, put it away and did what I had to do to survive.

So if you fast forward into my twenties and into my thirties, it really started to show up this, this trauma, this shutting down, this numbness started to show up in my body. I started to show up as being burnt out, stressed, numb. Really caught in cycles of doubting and over-giving and people pleasing feeling like I didn't fit in, started shopping my body.

as sexually assaulted on. It [: 00:17:00

I just kept not speaking my truth. I had to be the good girl, the good mom, the good wife, always trying to be perfect with everything. Smile on my face. Perfectionism is a big one. And it really left me feeling exhausted, frustrated, burnt out, numb, angry, stuffed down, right. Like it's down there like down.

uma. And then fast forward to: 2013

My ankle had two surgeries and I, it was right ankle with three teenagers and I was forced to slow down hard and I knew it like at the time I knew it and I started reclaiming my boundaries and speaking my truth and [00:18:00] slowly reclaiming my space. I'd also started pulling away from my mother and stepfather a lot because my daughter was at my daughter's my my baby she's 16 now.

And then I have an 18 year old son and a 21 year old son. Older, my daughter got, and the more that she was not with me all the time, I started to pull away. So I started to create boundaries to keep her safe, put my boys in tons of reps for sports so we could just stay away. I needed to keep her safe.

ll really wobbly. And then in: 2017

I started working with world renowned leaders and teachers. I started reclaiming all of these things that I [00:19:00] talked about. And reconnected to my body and more and more and more and layers. And then I continue to get certified in sex love and relationships, female sexuality, all of that. So it's been a beautiful journey.

And as much as that was a really hard childhood and really hard early mom years, I also know that this has made me super, super busy. More determined to change this narrative. The story doesn't belong. This is not okay. And I know it's so many other women's stories, other human stories, not just women. I know that.

And all of this did set me on my path totally to reclaim my body, my sexuality, heal trauma and help others to do the same. Anathema story

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My question is, like you said, in 2017, that's when you really started to [00:20:00] reclaim yourself, was there something, was it pivotal? Was it just, I don't know what happened in 2017 that made you really step into this.

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Can I really take this time for myself? Should I even really be saying yes to myself? Like this? Like it took this moment of, okay, I'm going to jump. And I still had this calling this hint that there was something there that I wasn't trusting or listening to. And I said, yes. I said, yes then. And then later that weekend, I said, yes, again.

ly came once, but I can't do [: 00:21:00

I was just not in the inside. So yeah, it started with me saying, yes, it started with me saying no more of this. This needs to stop. There's so much more, I can see this room full of thousands of other women that are scared the crap out of me too. But there's also a difference between an intuitive, yes, I need this and fear still going to show up versus an intuitive, no, this is not.

There's always going to be fear even in our intuitive. Yes. And that is okay. So

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There's [00:22:00] some probably awful things. There will be for my mind, like particularly having been in the military, PTSD, all those sorts of things and th the whole witnessing things that really we shouldn't ever have to do. But in your case, it's experiencing something that, we should never, ever have to experience, but you opened my eyes to the small T and I was like, Ms.

It really talked to me about big T small T.

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Maybe shouldn't do anything about it. Who am I to even look at [00:23:00] this, look at these other stories. That's the kind of little T conditioning that's laid on top that makes us not do the work, but these little teas, and I love this. This is one of my favorite trauma coaches as well. I've done a lot of trauma certifications, explains it as like these paper cuts.

And if you worked at a paper factory and you're getting cut and cut and cut every single day, but if you don't take care of those cuts and it's, oh, it's no big. Yes, it's fine. It's fine. And you keep getting cut and cut and cut these little weak things, which can be a teacher calling you up for reading the class, laughing at you because you said something wrong.

complete the stress cycles, [: 00:24:00

You're being too emotional. Oh, you're taking this too far. Suck it up. All of these different things that make these little paper cuts build up. And even if you have no assault and no trauma in your past of any sort, being a female in this world, female identifying human in this world naturally comes with.

And I was

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I dunno not being, silly things to me that we just think, but actually builds up. You're not being given a cup of coffee when everybody else is giving [00:25:00] away. All these little micro, she has really, really do build up and yet largely businesses. Through their structures and their processes and their cultures allows you say, fuck off.

We're not interested with your microtraumas and, Basically and oh, my word, it makes so much sense. It totally makes so much sense, but I guess people don't see it as trauma with a small T they just,

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And more burnout and frustration line. It all adds up and. Hello. There's nothing left. Like we're not super women as much as we want to be. We're not.

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How can they close the loop? They don't have to go to either. Oh, they can close it off

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There's a whole pile. And we go into our senses and our body, like I was talking about earlier, if we're doing a breath work example, You can do breath work and we can be really in tune with our sensations and what's coming up in our body and we don't need to know what it is, but if we're in tune to what's happening and we start to bring in sounding and we start to bring in movement, whatever that may be, all of a sudden things just bubble up and all of a sudden you can find that you want to scream or yell or growl.

ve yourself permission to do [: 00:27:00

Just by allowing it to bubble up and out and different things are going to bubble up. Like in the beginning, it might be more, you're angry at your boss, bubbles up, and you just want to, ah as you keep going, you might get to deeper and deeper and deeper leg layers. And yeah, there's a lot. We can also use tools like something I learned from mama, Gina, like swamping, where we're playing with some really angry raging music and allowing it out.

bably my perfectionism stuff [: 00:28:00

And then we always move into not always, but most of the time we move into a grief song and we allow that to come out. So we're allowing. Emotions to flow through us. And then we always move into a turn on song, something that juices up that allows our body to move and dance and express and feel. And that's another way to move those emotions and just really release whatever's in there that

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People release emotions in many ways. It could be shouting that you said he could run, but crying is such a huge release of energy and how I, I, I do Reiki and my Reiki heater will say to me, it's so natural to cry. And yet society has said, oh, don't be a cry baby. Or that you're emotional as a woman, lalala, but crying is so fundamental.

rage. It could be anger. It [: 00:29:00

[00:29:07] Kim: Sometimes, and that's okay. Sometimes I'm crying with them. And just something that you reminded me of like way back when, before I did this work, I would cry at the drop of a hat, like in an intense confrontation.

And I, it bothered me, not because I wasn't allowed to cry, but because I couldn't communicate at the time I was too embarrassed. So if a boss was yelling at me or somebody else was mad at me or whatever, Burst into tears and I'd be like, don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. Talk about being so out of my body and in my head.

And now that doesn't happen anymore. Very, very rarely because I have allowed those emotions out, but most of us don't allow them out and it frequently shows up as anger, eventually resentment frustration. If we're not allowing those, those things out. Yeah.

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So you've clear, you're clearly a woman who set some pretty clear boundaries. You, how can, how can other people do that? How can we learn from you?

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A lot of this comes down to worthiness too. Same with confidence. There's a lot built in there. So we have to start creating them, setting them. We have to empower ourselves to be able to set them and then we can start growing. Bigger and bigger and bigger at the same time. If we're learning how to trust ourselves, we know right away, does this work for me?

was like, that's okay. Next [: 00:31:00

Like we're learning where that line is. Why are we want to say yes, where we want to say no, a beautiful little tool I've just started with my 16 year old daughter was a few weeks ago. She started telling me, no, I've got too much on my plate. I got to study for this test. I got to cook dinner. Cause I pair it to cook dinner a few times a week and I can't do that.

And I looked at her and I said, Nice boundary setting. And I said that a few times over the week, and then this weekend, she wanted to go to the mall. She asked me to take her, and then she said her friend was going to come and they were going to look at some dresses and everything. And I looked at her and I said, that's cool, but I'm going to leave that.

I am not going to follow two teenagers around in the mall and drive you home after you will have to get home in your own. That's fair, nice boundary setting mom. And I was like, yes, we're just going to keep playing with that is so amazing. I'm so impressed that that just came about, and she said it back to me and she smiled the whole time when she was sick and that feels

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And I love that story of your daughter. And

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And it started asking for notice and they're getting it. They're like, oh, okay. So you just need some notice. And if they ask for too much, I'll just say that was too much. I can't do both of that in one day. So that's been really, really helpful too. It's it's trial and error.

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Setting boundaries can sometimes lead to letting things go this is my wall that says my boundary and you can't penetrate this. You need to just go. Or that needs to go. That's not easy to [00:33:00] do, particularly if it's family members Ms. Hart. Yeah, I can imagine that's really hard. And I guess the reaction back at you from those people was, what are you doing here?

How

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Not happening. So yeah, with family, it can be really, really hard. It's taken time. My father-in-law's as much as he's awesome. He's 85 and, comes with the territory and he's on my case a lot. And I used to actually write down some lines. In my phone that I would use to stop him. Cause he can be very overbearing sometimes.

to get to this point that I [: 00:34:00

I, I aspire a lot. It's part of my convo. And he goes, oh my gosh, can you not do that? It just sends the shivers through my body. And, and he started to give me shit. And I looked, I was like, first, I was like, Ooh, react. And then I was like, no. And I looked at him. I said, You say a lot of shit that pisses me off too.

So how about you deal with your shit? And I'm going to deal with my shit and we just go from there and he goes, okay. I was like, it's taken me 25 years to finally. And he literally was like, yeah, you're right. I'll deal with my shit. You do. Okay. Got it. It was so good. This is mother's day night. I was so happy, but it's taken me.

For years, I used to tell my [: 00:35:00

They're not nice. So you got to start and you gotta give yourself tons of permission because you're not going to get it right the first time.

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If I can apply that is they there's a, I want it now. I want it fake. Absolutely. I'm afraid people. It's just, it does take time. It takes a lot of work and investment in

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It was fun. We're also playing with tools of celebration and turn on and a releasing and support. So all of this. Created this huge snowball. So even though there was hard times, I still knew I was on the right path. Like it still felt good. So the tools to hold us in the low moments are what makes a really big difference.

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What's your one piece of advice.

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[00:36:55] Vanessa: you so much. And Kim, how can people reach out to you? Where can they [00:37:00] find you in this beautiful internet thing?

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And if you want to dip your toe in and just start playing with this kind of stuff, I have a beautiful, new, sacred pleasure membership that I just opened up. And it's only $44 a month. Like I made it super low. So women can. Female identifying humans and women can just start playing with this work. If you don't want to jump in all the way, I totally get it.

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[00:37:53] Kim: a membership it's only $44 a month. It's a great low way to get some support. And [00:38:00] just start playing with the tools, start connecting with your sensuality, start to play with your pleasure, honor your body.

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[00:38:22] Kim: Thank you so much, you are a pleasure to work with because you ask the most beautiful questions. So thank you so much. It's my honor.

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That's contact@vanessahyphenmurphy.com until next time.[00:39:00]